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February 28, 2016 at 7:52 pm #4649
I hope it's okay to write here. Well, anyway, I'm 24 years old, an M2F, asexual and aromantic spectrum. And I suspect I may be autistic. All I have is self-diagnosis and confirmation from one therapist that I may be. I tried to work with therapists, but it didn't go well. I just can't talk to those people. There are so many things I keep hidden inside that I simply can't share. Well, okay, not just them, but anyone. In my whole life I really opened up only to one person, my ex.Now a little background on my and why I think so. Truth is I can pass as non-autistic quite well. No one has ever known me enough to suspect otherwise. And I never show anything to people around. Even family. Nothing at all.I hardly ever share stuff. Just coming out once was extremely difficult and people terrified me, even though they were okay in the end. I simply lock stuff away. No matter how much it hurts.I'm rather poor when it comes to express my feelings. I mean, I can do it, but I don't because I ever opened to only one person. I usually just can't do it. I'm also rather poor at understanding emotions. And it happenes usually that I simply don't get how someone is feeling. I can't imagine it, I have toruble comprehending and make a response. I had some stuff targeted at me and I didn't quite understand, nor could response properly.I'm rather detached and cold. Or so it seems. I can have a storm inside me, but I won't show any of it.I'm also missing some emotions. I've never felt friendship. It's foreign to me. I never have seen someone as a friend. I can like someone and stick to them, but never see them as a friend. I have no idea how I would do that. I tried, but nothing ever came.My empathy could also use some work. There isn't much that can move me with humans and I feel sorry only sometimes and to some degree. It's not completely missing, but it's weak.I can't even say I want to have people around. I live in my own world and I don't really want to have anything to do with people. I avoid contact whenever I can. You could say I'm antisocial, in a sense that I keep to myself, I'm a total loner. Yet, I know I need help with some things. Like keeping track of appointments and stuff. If I wasn't told I wouldn't do it (I live with my mom). I can't keep track of things. I'm also very forgetful.In the past I've been called brutally honest and rude. And I sometimes don't understand why. I just say what I think. I don't mean it bad.I dislike changes and new things, like new places and new people. I like routines. And I don't like them interupted. If I'm to do something I want to know in advance.I'm not interested in many things. Very few actually. And I like learning about them and various topics, actually. Learning my own way. I thought about going to university, but at the same time I don't like the systems there.I don't like loud noise and bright light. Sometimes just disliking daylight. And I dislike being touched by... well, anyone. I dislike touching. And things like shaking hands seems so meaningless to me.Yet sometimes, when I want to know something I'M really obsessive and I don't let go untill I have my answer. It's like a need.I have depression issues and had for many years now. I've been also self-harming, to the point where I liked the pain.I don't know if it counts, but instead if answer I often only give noises. I also like to make faces at things.I took some tests like on psychcentral and scored above where they say that autism is very likely.Could this be? Is it okay to self-diagnose?
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