January 27, 2018 at 8:03 am #7005
Who am I exactly? Its a question I ask myself literally everyday for years, it is often what I think about when I’m alone at night.It is also a question I have never answered, sure I have ideas, I’m bad, I’m a failiure, I’m a disappointment etc etc, but these answers have never come with solutions.
I took up drawing and 3D design to provide an answer to this, but I am quickly discovering that I am not as imaginative as I once thought I was, or at least not in the way that is useful to me. I have spent a lot of money on my new ‘hobby’ aswell, all of that money isnt even really my own as I claim benefits from the government. I have never earned a penny of my own cash once in my life. Perhaps it is for that reason I don’t place much value in it as I really should.
My doctor diagnosed me with ADHD and autism recently, I am 35 years old. I have often wondered whether these are even reall illnesses at all or just something thought up by drug companies to sell more pills to people, to tell them that they arent just failures and part of a massively surplus population with no real reason to exist.
I have often wondered to myself why I could never get a job or try to support myself, I ‘crash’ when put into such situations, I also dislike people, a lot, even though I have no real objective reason to.
I ask myself if there is really anything wrong with me, I have come to the conclusion that yes, there must be something, I can’t talk to people the way others do, I constanty feel extreme discomfort when in unfamiliar situations, to the point of being near paralysed, and yes, my nerves are shot to hell and I often destroy things around me because of this, in the past people like me would have simply died off or been killed/abandoned, nature is very efficient in dealing with failiure, which is why these ‘illnesses’ seem to be a recent thing.
Occasionaly I have thought of suicide, mostly it seems to be an impulsive thought under stress, a thought I later regret and get even more frightened about once my mind is ‘clear’, but thinking about it now, maybe it is how it should be that those like me die off, as they always have before now, nature knows best afterall.
Its not all bad though, I have a family that loves me very much (though I can’t imagine why), my father, who spent nearly forty years posting meaningless letters through peoples front doors for a wage, spent a massive chunk of his retirement money to buy the house completely for me, just so I would never have to worry about being kicked out and becoming homeless after he was gone. My mother, who is 72 now and should be enjoying her twilight years, is still dealing with a mid thirties manchild living with her with no real prospects, yet seems to show nothing but love for me. I also have a sister, an individual who is the exact opposite of me, successful, self sufficient and with a family (2 children) of her own, as she moved away when I was still young (as is normal) I don’t really know what she thinks about me really, she seems understanding, but every rational thought in my head says she sees me as a burden and the failiure that I am. Ditto for her husband.
Which has now what has bought me to art and 3D design, full circle.. seeing as I could never function in a job like most people, I have took it upon myself to gradually learn art and 3D as a skill to earn an honest wage of my own. Sell 3D prints online, sell meshes online, even make shitty porn for people to jack off to if I have to. I have also set up a patreon, but have yet to make it live (another mental obstacle I have thrown up it seems).
The problem now of course, is me, as always…after learning to an adequate level of skill for my needs I now find that I have no real creativity, that my ‘flaw’, once again, is sabotaging me in any way it can to ensure that I utterly fail completely, even at this. Whenever I set a task in my head, my thoughts scatter to the wind, my stomach knots and that familiar pressure builds up in the back of my skull, the inner voice says hi and begins its lecture on how shitty of a person I am and why said plan at the time will never work, the usual thing that happens whenever I have tried to better myself in any way, the internet of course, has been a godsend, it is where I learned all the stuff I need to get to the level I am at. Tutorials, guides and tips have given me knowledge and simply tinkering with the programs and scribbling on paper randomly have bought some reward.
But I want more…I want to be able to plan tasks, to do a project, to be able to make something from start to finish and maybe, just maybe, have it make even a little money, even if its only a few dollars/pounds, its enough to show me that yes, someone out there liked it enough to invest something tangible into it. Maybe having this happen even once will be enough to kick my brain into larger motion, even if only for a while.
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